Tuesday, 10 July 2012

Surrendering To Grief







She parked and looked around for a moment, before taking a deep breath and opening the door. 

The cold wind buffeted her hair and scarf as she climbed out of the car, but she barely noticed. She was intent on finding the man she'd come here to see.

She had an idea of where to start, so she headed to the middle of the row where she thought he should be.

So many names, so many loved ones, but not hers.

She wandered along the next row, and the next, looking for those familiar letters, but nothing.

She glanced around again and tried to get her bearings. Everything looked so different. So many huge gum trees that she didn't remember being there the last time she visited.

Row after row, she looked, and bit by bit, started to fall apart. She didn't understand why it wasn't where she thought it should be. Admittedly, it had been a while since the last time, but not long enough that she didn't have a vague notion of where it was. 

The huge, towering gum trees had displaced a few, and she started to worry that he was in one of those. But surely, she would have noticed a gum tree eight years ago! Yes, they could grow fast when given the right conditions, but as big as this? She didn't think so.

Wiping her tears, she walked back to the road and headed towards a map of the grounds. She could hop back in her car and leave, guilty, upset and discouraged, but she was determined to see this through. Her visit, was way overdue.

She discovered the row she was looking for was not as far up as she thought, and started again, this time using the map as a guide. When her eyes finally locked on to that familiar name, she started to sob, relief and grief taking over.

Her tears fell onto her father's grave once again.


What you have been reading isn't fiction. 

This was me. Yesterday morning. Visiting my father's grave for the first time in roughly eight years.

It wasn't my intention to leave it so long. In fact, the last time I was there, I got so upset about the unkempt look about it, that I promised myself I would never leave it that long again.

But I did. 

Probably longer, if the truth be known.

I know that the plaque is only a symbol, and what is really important is holding them in your heart and your memories. But I can't help but feel disrespectful. After all, I was daddy's girl.

You would think that after twenty eight years, it would become easier. Yet, I'm missing him more now than I ever have. I am heartbroken that he will never meet my family, and my children will never know their true grandfather. He would have adored them.

I honestly believe that you never get over losing someone you love. You just learn to live with it.

Some days are more of a struggle than others. 

Today is again one of those.






Linking in with Jess from Diary Of A SAHM for IBOT.












24 comments:

  1. i dont think it ever gets 'easier'... thinking of you xx

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    1. You're so right! Thanks Lyndal :)

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  2. :( agreeing with Lyndal - I don't think it will get 'easier' either.. :( sending big hugs... xx

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  3. Biggest hugs - my father died 26 years ago and I have not been to his grave since I was a young girl. "I am heartbroken that he will never meet my family, and my children will never know their true grandfather. He would have adored them." this sums up why I am almost more sad now than i was many years ago. I love that my girls mention him and ask questions. I have a few photos up and talk more about him now than i did for dozens of years before. Sending you lots of love and strength Tracey

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    1. Thanks for that Deb. It's nice that the kids want to know about them isn't it :)

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  4. Your writing was beautiful Tracey but so, so sad. I fully believe that you don't have to visit a loved ones grave to think, feel and love them. I understand why you feel guilty though. It's so easy for life to get in the way. Sending a big hug to you right now!

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    1. Thanks Pen. Yes, it's way too easy sometimes!

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  5. Tracey I'm crying my eyes out here. I can relate so much - lost my dad too. Its been 11 years now but I still miss him every day. I see him in my girls, especially Cerys - she has his smile. I wrote about it once here - http://www.cupofteaandablog.com/2012/02/granddad-john.html
    Writing is such a cathartic process, it helped me to write about my Dad. I hope it helped you too. Tears are good, they heel. The pain doesn't go away - you just learn to live with it. Much love to you xxx

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    1. Thanks Cath! Sorry to rehash it all for you, but nice to know that someone understands. It certainly does help to write about it, doesn't it! Took a couple of days, but feeling better now :)

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  6. That's a lovely post, Tracey. From the heart. I am fortunate to still have both my parents, and both my siblings, and both my children, and although I've lost friends and grandparents, I cannot say I understand how you feel.
    I can only imagine, and that tears my heart out.
    Hugs to you xx

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    1. Thank you Lisa!
      That's such a lovely comment
      xx

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  7. I'm so sorry for your loss Tracey. Thank you for sharing so honestly with us.
    I agree wit Catherine - the pain never leaves us. We simply learn to live with it. I lost my firstborn son almost 5 years ago now, and as I watch his younger brothers grow up, there's not a single day that I don't yearn for Cameron to be here with them. With us.
    Thinking of you, Tracey...
    Ronnie xo

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    1. Oh Ronnie!
      I can only imagine how terrible that must have been for you! My biggest fear is something happening to one of my children! My heart just breaks for you!
      I have to admit, I read your comment on Tuesday, and bawled my eyes out! It's taken me a couple of days to feel composed enough to reply.
      Sending my biggest hugs to you
      xxx

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  8. So sorry Tracey. Things don't get easier, the environment in which we deal with them just changes. Xx

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  9. What a beautiful and poignant post about you...and your dad. Such a tribute of love I read there Tracey, and how it must feel to have written about what you did can only be expressed within you.
    I respect and honour your grief, and in the way you choose to grieve.
    There are no rules, no time frames, just love.
    I hope that as days, weeks and months pass, into years that you will know Dad is with you, in oh so many ways
    love
    Denyse From #TeamIbot

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    1. Thank you so much Denyse!
      A truly lovely comment
      xx

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  10. Such a poignant post that must have been both difficult and liberating for you to write. Difficult because of the pain it unleashes. Liberating because it allows you to release the grief which may help you find a sense of peace. Sending lots of hugs your way Tracey. xo

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    1. Thank you Misha!
      You're so right! It was difficult to write at the time, and I was blubbering pretty much the whole way through it! But I felt so much better for it afterwards :)

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  11. Such a beautiful but sad post. Very well written. This was hard to read as we said our final goodbyes to a dear friend yesterday. Thinking of you, sending you hugs xx

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    1. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss Tubbah, and sorry for rehashing everything for you.
      Sending big hugs right back to you
      xx

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  12. So beautifully written, Tracey. Sending you big hugs and love x

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